He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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