tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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