i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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