a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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