Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
