just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it was like eating out sand paper
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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