Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
