I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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