i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
