mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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