apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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