I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
