So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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