Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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