My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
