Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
