I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
