Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
