he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You ruined the universe
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
