Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I deserve this hangover.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
