The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
