I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
