gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
