She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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