I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
