I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She said her name was "party"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
