Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize