Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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