the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
