soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
