K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
