the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
