I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
