peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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