How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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