it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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