theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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