I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
