you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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