I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
