Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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