Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize