I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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