dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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