just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
