Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize