I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
