Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
