I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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