i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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