Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
