I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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