Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
