I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The uberlube is also flammable
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
