just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
