I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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