i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Nicole vs. Life
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
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