omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i think i have herpe
just one?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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