we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize