i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
