I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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