i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
